plans

i'm a planner. i like things to go a certain way. i get these ideas in my head and then always find myself disappointed with the results. i hate that about myself, but i've come to terms with it. the irritating thing is, God always looks at my plans and laughs. He laughs! in His own way, he always reminds He's in control and there's nothing i can do to stop Him. last week though, i don't think God was laughing at all. in fact, i think He was crying right along with me.

at our last sonogram, they took some measurements and said you had "asymetric growth" of your head in proportion to your body. your dad and i laughed about it. we even considered renaming you to charlie brown baker batten..... then the doctor explained that a big ol' head can be cause for some pretty serious concerns. so for a week, we prayed. we worried. we were pretty scared. the doctor referred us to an AMAZING doctor to look at your head and make sure you were just fine.

daddy had a super important test, so i went with nana and nanny to the appointment. we all sat together in the sonogram room praying for the best. they checked out your head and it was JUST FINE! the overwhelming sense of relief was indescribable. the doctor went on to tell me you already weigh 5'12" which apparently makes you in the 85th percentile of weight. (dad is soooo proud). They checked out your legs and arms and everything was fabulous. or so we thought. when the doctor went to check your heart, the room fell silent. i could tell something was up. the doctor pulled some measurements of the valves and chambers of your heart and explained to me that you have a congenital heart defect. i really hate the term defect. you, my sweet boy, are in no way a DEFECT. anyway, he told me we had to go to a pediatric cardiologist the VERY next day. typically when you're dealing with doctors, they don't rush the process unless it's some pretty important stuff. i had to call your dad and tell him what was wrong. it was the hardest phone call of my life. your dad is such a strong, calm rock for this family. to hear him sound so... terrified and heartbroken.... it was awful.

we prepared ourselves the best we could for the awful doctor's appointment the next day. we met with your new heart doctor who explained just exactly what's wrong. you have what's called a ventrical septal defect. it means you have a hole in your heart where a wall should be. your hole is a pretty big one. one that requires surgery. open heart surgery. you also have coarctation of the aorta. that means your aorta is smaller than it should be. it could be in just one spot like a kink in a water hose, or the whole thing could be small. this nasty guy also requires heart surgery, at a very young age. we're talking a few days. the wonderful news is, most babies who face this grow up to lead normal, happy, healthy lives! we are SO blessed that we found out so soon. many moms and dads don't find out about things like this until their baby is born. we, however, can prepare ourselves. my sweet friend kathy said it best- it's like knowing you're going to be in a car wreck. you can put your seat belt on, drive the speed limit, follow all traffic laws, but the wreck is coming. regardless. the cool thing is, God is, once again, in control! He knew exactly what he was doing the day your head measured big! we never would have gone to the level 2 sonogram if your head had measured "normal" that day. thanks be to God for giving us such a miracle!

sure, i like plans. but plans change. i think as i become a mommy, i'll learn to go with the flow a bit more. instead of having my favorite, most wonderful obgyn deliver you at Lake Pointe Medical, i get to meet a brand new, pretty amazing doctor. i'll deliver at Medical City where you'll be in the very best care in the area's ONLY neonatal cardiology unit. you already have a team of doctors waiting to meet you and help you start on this crazy journey called life. that's pretty darn special. you have so many people praying for you. you, my sweet boy, are not a baby with a heart defect. nope. you're a boy with a big ol' heart. you've already brought me so much closer back to Jesus and I haven't even seen your sweet face yet. Wow. you better watch out- God has HUGE things in store for you!


How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.


I LOVE YOU!
mom